Town Council Funds Coroner Inquest

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According to unconfirmed report, in a closed-door session, Harrison’s Mayor and Council voted to fund a county coroner inquest as to the medical status of Councilmen Michael Dolaghan and Michael Rodgers. Both Dolaghan and Rodgers abstained from voting, citing “conflict of interest” concerns.

“We couldn’t get the county to pick up the tab on this one,” Mayor Raymond McDonough said. “But the taxpayers need to know if these two guys are alive. I think it’s worth the bucks.”

“It makes me creepy, man,” Councilman Arthur Pettigrew said. “You don’t know if you’re sitting next to a councilman or a corpse. Really creepy, man.”

“This is a total waste of taxpayer dollars,” Councilman James Doran, well known for his short temper and impatience, insisted. “Anyone just could go over there and take their pulse. We don’t need to pay the county examiner for this.”

When told of Doran’s objection, McDonough replied, “That’s Doran being Doran. Does he ever get over himself? Pete told me to go with the flow on this one.”

Area resident, Carlos Sanchez, said he knew something about death was being considered in council chambers.

“Me mother thought it was O.J. She was lighting votive candles to Our Lady of Guadalupe. Those cars from Mulligan and Lombardi were circling Town Hall like vultures.”

O. John DiSalvo, 116, is councilman and a former peer of the late Frank E. Rodgers.

According to the county, no forensic reports are available regarding Dolaghan or Rodgers.

When pressed for comment, Dolaghan- behind a curtained window at his residence- protested that “I’m not dead. Do you hear me? I’m not dead.”

Rodgers was not available for comment.

(Again, this was an unconfirmed report.)

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