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FEMA Vows 'We're Here For Harrison'

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According to an unconfirmed report, Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) Director, R. David Paulison, reassured the residents of Harrison that FEMA won’t abandon them during the soccer stadium crisis.

“We’ve learned a few things from Katrina and Rita. We’re prepared for this,” Paulison said.

“We’re in constant contact with Mayor Higgins. Even his assistant, Raymond, has been quite cooperative,” Paulison further observed.

“We’re here for Harrison,” Paulison promised. “I know we were slow to respond to Katrina. But that was Brownie, not me. That was Louisiana. That was Mississippi. This is Harrison.”

Paulison stated that emergency operations centers have have been opened from Jersey Street in Harrison to Commercial Street in Provincetown.

“We’re not kidding here,” Paulison remarked. “Once that stadium opens up, NJ has the thumb up to deploy the National Guard. We got to tighten up on the border. We got to keep a close eye on the Section 8 housing in town.”

(Again, this was an unconfirmed report.)

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